The Beautiful State of a Disastrous Nature

Depression:

Severe, typically prolonged, feelings of despondency and dejection.

“Self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression.”

I am not about to pretend to be an expert on the subject. But I will not agree entirely with the definition.

Depression is sadness.

Depression is fury.

Depression is darkness.

Depression is voiceless.

Sightless.

Merciless.

Bliss.

Ecstasy.

Insanity.

I think everyone suffers at least once in their life from depression. It can be work related or to do with relationships between friends and family, or it can be trauma based even. To me, our minds are like the deepest ocean or the far corners of the universe: completely uncharted and dangerously unpredictable, but it is the one thing that stands between you and insanity.

In some cases, when you are severely in danger your mind will take over. It will lock your consciousness away and protect you from the horrors on the outside. It will create Alters to stand in your place and take the torture while you stay hidden and safe.

Your mind is a wonderful, powerful yet destructive being.

One of the things I hate most about Depression: The Other People Around You.

I don’t mean to be hurtful when I say this because the people I hold close to me have supported me every step of the way; whether it was sitting in the cold on a park bench for hours talking through every inch of the day or warm supportive words in the middle of the night or even being just as fucked up as I am. These are the people I cherish.

However, even they can never truly understand what goes on inside my head or in the head of a person who suffers from a mental illness – as I will never understand their mind either.

Here is a list of the things that are commonly said to people who are suffering from Depression:

Suck it up, it could be worse.
Be a Man about it!
What have you got to be sad about?
Depression is an excuse for laziness.
You’re an Attention Seeker

Raise your hand if you are a Depression or mental illness sufferer and have had any of these despicable lines said to you…

That’s what I thought.

As I said before, you can never truly even begin to understand what the human beings around you are thinking or feeling. Which is exactly why when someone you know is suffering from a mental illness you should treat it as seriously as any other illness.

Depression doesn’t kill you.

Depression is the voice in the back of your head telling you to.

Treat other people’s minds the way you treat yours.

With some fucking respect.

I am not very old but sometimes when I close my eyes I feel like I’ve lived a millennium. Every face, every word and every emotion is stored inside of you in figurative filing cabinets. For me, it’s there all the time. When I close my eyes at the end of a day, I see their faces, their voices and analyse every minute detail. I am what therapists call ‘An Anxious Person’.

Anxiety:

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

“He felt a surge of anxiety.”

For the past six years, I have suffered from depression. Don’t ask me what type nor why, because I’m not going to tell you. But what I will tell you is my story.

Depression and mental illness are depicted in movies, television, books and even adverts for awareness campaigns but nothing can prepare you for the real thing. It doesn’t come on quickly. It’s not like the Flu or a broken bone. No, it’s far more torturous.

To cope, I give my Depression a form. To some people it’s a dark rain cloud over their heads or heavy bags on their backs; to me, it’s an Insect.

Like a spider, it has crawled its way inside of me, maybe while I was sleeping. It weaved and scuttled its way deep inside of me. Made a home, buried so deep I can’t draw it out. At first, I didn’t realise it was there. But then came the darkness.

It manifested from a wound to a plague. Spreading throughout my body like a cancerous disease, consuming me slowly every day until when I look in the mirror all I can see is a thousand black glistening tendrils wriggling across my skin; they’re writhing around my throat, blinding and gagging me until I’m completely lost. Sadly, it’s only I who can see the Insect that eats away at my insides.

Each morning gets harder. Drawing yourself out of bed to face the world outside your safety blanket. You don’t want to leave. You physically can’t. You are planted by fear. Sometimes it’s fear that’s been placed there or grown. For me, it was both.

Soon, leaving the house is a hardship. Seeing your friends is torture. Even looking at your family is painful because you think, “How much longer can I keep this smiley face?”

How much longer can I pretend to be brave?

How long will it be until they notice?

Will they ever notice?

Then comes the anger.

Rage:

Violent uncontrollable anger
A vehement desire or passion

“Her face was distorted with rage”

It consumes you in waves. As if someone is pouring scalding hot water over you in buckets, you are compelled to scream, kick and punch. At who? At what? At the World. At the nibbling, chewing Insect inside.

The slightest word from someone fills you with rage.

Everything you touch, you want to break.

Everything you do, you want to kick yourself.

Every thought becomes red.

Then all is lost.

Because afterwards, you give into the Insect inside. You’ve done your fighting; now you’re submissive. You are a prisoner of your own subconscious. Which slowly begins to turn you insane.

Now, I don’t mean rocking in corners or any physical attributes. No, I mean real insanity.

You can’t think straight.

You can’t sleep.

You can’t eat.

You can’t speak.

So when you can’t think straight, everything becomes hard. Brushing your hair is a task. Putting on your clothes is a chore. Sums – out the question. Forming words? Sorting through your emotions? All pointless efforts now.

When your mind is chaos, you will not sleep.

Sleep Deprivation:

Sleep deprivation is the condition of not having enough sleep; it can be either chronic or acute. A chronic sleep-restricted state can cause fatigue, daytime sleepiness, clumsiness and weight loss or weight gain.

Hallucinations. Slow reflexes. Your body will begin to shut down. Hello, physical attributes!

Eating is an inconvenience. For me, food was my enemy.

But without sustenance, you become weak. Goodbye mind!

Finally, as if speaking was hard before when your mind was playing on the carousel, now it’s passive and it’s easier to be mute.

Sometimes, I’m completely silent and no one notices. It’s easier to pretend you’re okay when you do all the listening. You become the perfect actor; the performer! You become fantastic at playing yourself. Because people don’t want to hear the bad. It’s much simpler to smile and pretend to be happy than to bother others with the battle inside of your mind.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m on a ledge. Teetering from side to side, unsure which way I’m going to fall.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m in the middle of a busy crowd of people, all talking and moving but it’s just a blur. Its White Noise compared to the raucous in my mind. There, inside, that’s noise. Every thought becomes a scream and every emotion is a punch. Something I am, and always will be, entirely alone with.

Alone:

Having no one else present; one one’s own

“She was alone that evening”

There are two types of alone for me.

Alone but surrounded by people.
Alone.

I find the first one much more painful. Unfair, cruel even. The second one is almost appealing. The second alone would allow you to be without the noise of the outside world and completely alone with your thoughts.

For six years, I have lived the majority of my time inside of my mind. And for every second of those years, I have only ever desired to burst free and fly away. Freedom. Liberation.

But we all know that running away from our problems doesn’t fix anything. They’ll be waiting for you when you return.

So you have to learn to cope. For some its drugs, for some its therapy. For me it was therapy. It taught me how to process and cope. But that doesn’t stop the continuous waves of anxiety and depression. I believe this is a condition – a disease – I will now live with for the rest of my life.

And that’s okay.

If you can understand who you are and why you are, you can find harmony.

I still scream.

I still cry for hours on end until my eyes are red raw.

I still want to kick and punch.

I still shout and curse at the people I love.

I still crawl under my duvet and pray for the world to disappear.

But the difference is after all is said and done I crawl out of my bed, raise my chin to the world and dare it to challenge me today.

Because let’s face it, it’s all in your head.

Depression:

Severe, typically prolonged, feelings of despondency and dejection.

“Self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression.”

I am not about to pretend to be an expert on the subject. But I will not agree entirely with the definition.

Depression is sadness.

Depression is fury.

Depression is darkness.

Depression is voiceless.

Sightless.

Merciless.

Bliss.

Ecstasy.

Insanity.

In some cases, when you are severely in danger your mind will take over. It will lock your consciousness away and protect you from the horrors on the outside. It will create Alters to stand in your place and take the torture while you stay hidden and safe.

Your mind is a wonderful, powerful yet destructive being.

One of the things I hate most about Depression: The Other People Around You.

However, even they can never truly understand what goes on inside my head or in the head of a person who suffers from a mental illness – as I will never understand their mind either.

Here is a list of the things that are commonly said to people who are suffering from Depression:

Suck it up, it could be worse.

Be a Man about it!

What have you got to be sad about?

Depression is an excuse for laziness.

You’re an Attention Seeker

Raise your hand if you are a Depression or mental illness sufferer and have had any of these despicable lines said to you…

That’s what I thought.

As I said before, you can never truly even begin to understand what the human beings around you are thinking or feeling. Which is exactly why when someone you know is suffering from a mental illness you should treat it as seriously as any other illness.

Depression doesn’t kill you.

Depression is the voice in the back of your head telling you to.

Treat other people’s minds the way you treat yours.

With some fucking respect.

Anxiety:

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.

“He felt a surge of anxiety.”

For the past six years, I have suffered from depression. Don’t ask me what type nor why, because I’m not going to tell you. But what I will tell you is my story.

Depression and mental illness are depicted in movies, television, books and even adverts for awareness campaigns but nothing can prepare you for the real thing. It doesn’t come on quickly. It’s not like the Flu or a broken bone. No, it’s far more torturous.

To cope, I give my Depression a form. To some people it’s a dark rain cloud over their heads or heavy bags on their backs; to me, it’s an Insect.

Like a spider, it has crawled its way inside of me, maybe while I was sleeping. It weaved and scuttled its way deep inside of me. Made a home, buried so deep I can’t draw it out. At first, I didn’t realise it was there. But then came the darkness.

Each morning gets harder. Drawing yourself out of bed to face the world outside your safety blanket. You don’t want to leave. You physically can’t. You are planted by fear. Sometimes it’s fear that’s been placed there or grown. For me, it was both.

Soon, leaving the house is a hardship. Seeing your friends is torture. Even looking at your family is painful because you think, “How much longer can I keep this smiley face?”

How much longer can I pretend to be brave?

How long will it be until they notice?

Will they ever notice?

Then comes the anger.

Rage:

Violent uncontrollable anger

A vehement desire or passion

“Her face was distorted with rage”

It consumes you in waves. As if someone is pouring scalding hot water over you in buckets, you are compelled to scream, kick and punch. At who? At what? At the World. At the nibbling, chewing Insect inside.

The slightest word from someone fills you with rage.

Everything you touch, you want to break.

Everything you do, you want to kick yourself.

Every thought becomes red.

Then all is lost.

Because afterwards, you give into the Insect inside. You’ve done your fighting; now you’re submissive. You are a prisoner of your own subconscious. Which slowly begins to turn you insane.

Now, I don’t mean rocking in corners or any physical attributes. No, I mean real insanity.

You can’t think straight.

You can’t sleep.

You can’t eat.

You can’t speak.

So when you can’t think straight, everything becomes hard. Brushing your hair is a task. Putting on your clothes is a chore. Sums – out the question. Forming words? Sorting through your emotions? All pointless efforts now.

When your mind is chaos, you will not sleep.

Sleep Deprivation:

Sleep deprivation is the condition of not having enough sleep; it can be either chronic or acute. A chronic sleep-restricted state can cause fatigue, daytime sleepiness, clumsiness and weight loss or weight gain.

Hallucinations. Slow reflexes. Your body will begin to shut down. Hello, physical attributes!

Eating is an inconvenience. For me, food was my enemy.

But without sustenance, you become weak. Goodbye mind!

Finally, as if speaking was hard before when your mind was playing on the carousel, now it’s passive and it’s easier to be mute.

Sometimes, I feel as if I’m on a ledge. Teetering from side to side, unsure which way I’m going to fall.

Alone:

Having no one else present; one one’s own

“She was alone that evening”

There are two types of alone for me.

Alone but surrounded by people.

Alone.

I find the first one much more painful. Unfair, cruel even. The second one is almost appealing. The second alone would allow you to be without the noise of the outside world and completely alone with your thoughts.

For six years, I have lived the majority of my time inside of my mind. And for every second of those years, I have only ever desired to burst free and fly away. Freedom. Liberation.

But we all know that running away from our problems doesn’t fix anything. They’ll be waiting for you when you return.

So you have to learn to cope. For some its drugs, for some its therapy. For me it was therapy. It taught me how to process and cope. But that doesn’t stop the continuous waves of anxiety and depression. I believe this is a condition – a disease – I will now live with for the rest of my life.

And that’s okay.

If you can understand who you are and why you are, you can find harmony.