“Guys!” Sam’s voice hollered down the table, breaking through conversations and drawing all eyes toward him as he held up his pint glass. “To our first day as Sixth Formers!”
His words were succeeded by a loud cheer, whoops and whistles as they toasted the start of term. All of them, even Emily, raised their glasses, though she only nodded shyly.
The arrival of Sam Robinson and Anna Clearwater had left her feeling self-conscious. Fortunately, neither had said anything about her presence and after a getting drink, Sam had proceeded to make out with Erika next to her. The pair had arrived half an hour ago, Sam looking obnoxiously cheerful as usual while Anna appeared less so; the glum expression on her face apparent even now. Emily couldn’t imagine what Anna Clearwater had to be miserable about.
While neither had paid her any attention, Emily kept her head low and her eyes averted, praying it stayed that way.
“So, what’s the plan for the Start of Term rave this Friday?” Sam questioned, looking around the large group of friends, and Emily, who felt like a mouse amongst giants.
She’d heard about the Start of Term Rave. The explosive party was held in the basement of the Sixth Form block at the start of September each year. It was elusive and only open to Sixth Formers. She’d listened to Anna and Susannah chatting excitedly about it for months. Emily couldn’t deny it. She was intrigued.
“Booze and bud?” Dominic said, rolling a cigarette on the table, one arm around Tom’s skinny waist as he perched on his knee.
“We pre-drinking at ours or yours?” Sam said to Erika who shrugged.
“Don’t mind. Anna?”
“I don’t care where I do it, as long as I’ve had at least half a bottle of vodka I’m happy,” she replied, rummaging in her handbag for her cigarette packet, a lighter between her teeth.
Emily kept her eyes low as they spoke, visions of herself attending a rave only existing in her wildest dreams. She wasn’t like them. She wasn’t like Erika or Anna or any other girl at this table. She was Emilia Fox. She would always be just Emily. One trip to the pub didn’t change that.
“We need to talk to Hot Ash about getting our booze,” Tom spoke up.
“Who’s Hot Ash?” Emily inquired, stunning herself.
Since when had we agreed to speak?
She wasn’t sure where this newfound confidence had arisen from. She didn’t even speak this much around Freya, Erin and Libby. Let alone in front of Will and the likes of Anna Clearwater and Sam Robinson, in a pub no less.
“He’s an Upper Sixth now,” Dominic explained, “but he always used to get us booze and fags and other substances with his fake ID. He’s one of the school radio’s DJs.”
“Other substances?” Emily’s brow furrowed. She looked to Erika but again, before she could speak, Sam’s loud commanding voice drowned her out.
“Talking of that, Sticks!” he bellowed down the table, interrupting Sticks who was preoccupied with flirting with the girl who’d turned Bender down earlier. “You bringing the bud?”
“Yeah man, got some Purple Haze from my brother but we’ll have to pick up if you wanna bong sess in the week,” he replied, straightening his flat peak cap.
“Cool cool. This is gonna be fucking sweet,” Sam grinned, his anticipation reflected on the rest of their faces.
As Emily observed, she noticed that Erika looked thrilled at the prospect of the rave and as talk turned to their plans for Friday night and a ‘bong sess’ in the week, Emily shuffled closer to Erika.
“Bong sess?” she said under her breath so only Erika could hear.
In reply, Erika smiled kindly and patted Emily’s thigh. She knew that action. Emily was in no way stupid or naïve. She knew what ‘bud’ meant, having seen clear packets of the green plant on the kitchen countertops of her old dorm. She could even pinpoint the smell of someone smoking weed nearby. After more talk, she even understood, without being told, what ‘bong sess’ meant too, having also heard it previously from Erika and Anna’s lips. A bong was a pipe and a ‘sess’ was a session. She wasn’t ignorant to what Erika and the group got up to at the weekends – and some weekday nights. But she had no first-hand experience in these antics.
Did she want to? Did she want to know what weed tasted like when it burned? Did she have any desire to draw smoke from a pipe or down vodka shots until her head spun?
Of course not. But friends? Adventures? That was something Emily longed for.
Retrieving her backpack from the floor, Erika pulled out a rectangular tin and tobacco pouch and began to roll a cigarette on the table beside her empty glass. Emily watched with intrigue, though she’d seen her friend do this numerous times in the years she’d known her. Erika rolled the cigarette so quickly, that Emily reckoned she hardly even considered what she was doing; it had become muscle memory.
She popped the cigarette between her lips and tucked the tobacco tin back into her backpack and turned her attention to Emily. “You gonna come to the rave?”
“What? Me?” Emily choked on the mere notion of herself at a rave.
A rave?
I’ve only just got used to the pub, and even this still terrifies me.
What on earth even is a rave?
When Emily thought of a rave, she conjured images of neon clothes, UV lights and strobes and most importantly, drugs. All those drugs Rupert and the educational videos had made her fearful of.
Ecstasy.
Cocaine.
Heroin.
Weed…
The thought of putting a pill on her tongue and allowing it to alter her mind frightened her. Taking drugs wasn’t okay with the Old Emily or the New. She may want to experience new things and get a taste of being a teenager, but she had morals. She didn’t do drugs and if going to raves included them, she wanted no part of it. If by not going, Erika judged her and she lost this new acceptance from these people, Emily didn’t care either. No amount of friends was worth losing her morals over; no one could make her change.
“Yeah, Ems. I think you’ll enjoy it,” Erika said, that same reassuring expression on her face that had convinced Emily to come to the pub earlier.
“But,” she hesitated, moving closer. She may be self-assured of her beliefs on drugs but she didn’t need the whole table to know and judge her for them. “I don’t do drugs – I won’t.”
“Ems,” Erika spluttered a laugh, touching her arm fondly, “no one’s asking you to. You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do.”
Emily’s brow furrowed as she considered Erika’s words. Freya ordered her around as if she owned her and until then, Emily had hardly even noticed that she lacked free will over her own life. But Erika was right. This was her decision. Every aspect of her life should be her decision and nobody else’s. Erika may have encouraged her to come to the pub but Emily had decided all by herself.
So that’s what control feels like?
She couldn’t remember ever having control over her life.
“I just go to dance,” Erika said with a twinkle in her eyes as she prepared to get up; pulling on her hoodie and collecting her backpack. “I get lost in a sea of people and right then, it’s just me, the lights and the music. And I feel free.”
Emily soaked up every single one of her words in awe.
“As free as a bird. It’s magical.”
“Magical,” Emily murmured.
Before she could think about the Start of Term Rave any further or imagine herself dancing in that sea of people, someone new joined the table, causing not only her attention but also Erika’s, to be drawn to her. Emily felt instantly nauseous.
Not her.
Anyone but her.
Hillside Academy: Book 1 Copyright © 2023 Jodie May Mullen