The lights had become a blur to Susannah as she searched for a way out of the bustling crowd. She was struggling to draw breath, her heartbeat in her ears; pulsing in her temples. She needed to get out of there before her panic attack took hold. She had thought the weed and alcohol would’ve soothed her anxiety enough for her to enjoy one night without a panic attack but clearly, the adrenaline pumping through her veins had gone straight to her heart and now, she was fighting against her exhaustion to get to the exit. That, and Bradley Sturrock’s grip around her waist.
Several times, she tried to brush him off; shaking her head and pushing as strongly as she could against his chest but he wasn’t getting the message. She had only agreed to come to the rave with him because she hadn’t wanted to go alone. Because in truth, she had been waiting for somebody else to ask her. He never did.
Attending a rave with Bradley was one thing. Sleep with him? No, Susannah wasn’t that type of girl, even if he seemed to think so as he pressed his lips to her damp neck and groped at her behind. She mumbled for him to stop, to leave her alone and let her go. Like so many of the boys at this school, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Manoeuvring her by the hips through the crowds, Bradley led them to the exit. Susannah would’ve been grateful if she hadn’t known that he had ulterior motives for leaving the rave. She wanted a sit-down and some fresh air. Meanwhile, he wanted her in his bed. No matter how intoxicated she was, Susannah would make sure that didn’t happen. If only she could walk straight or even mutter more than a quiet ‘no’.
As they reached the double doors to the basement, Susannah felt herself trip. Whether it was her heeled shoes or her long trembling legs getting tangled, she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that Bradley’s grip around her waist was suffocating as he chuckled into her ear as if this was all a game. She wriggled away from him, her eyes searching for someone to notice. For anyone to see that she needed help as her panic rose. It dawned on her what a dangerous situation she was in.
Where are my friends?!
Where is everyone?
Everywhere she looked she saw neon paint and strange faces, illuminated again and again by the strobe lights. She couldn’t grasp a breath. Her throat was tight as she let out another hoarse protest. Bradley wasn’t listening. He couldn’t hear her. He didn’t care as he lifted her back to her feet and shuffled through the last of the crowds to the door. Susannah dug her nails into his forearm and tried to kick when suddenly, Bradley let go.
Stumbling forward, she looked back to see Jasper Maguire squaring up to Bradley who stood several inches taller and weighed at least eighty pounds more than skinny Jasper. Even so, he didn’t back down as he met Bradley’s look of contempt. Through Susannah’s blurred vision and the dimness of the basement, all she saw was his bright red head and luminous green eyes as he shook his head and stood sentry between herself and Bradley.
Eventually, the rugby player backed down. She wasn’t worth the trouble. Not now Jasper was here.
“Come on,” Jasper said softly, taking her arm and leading her up the steep steps and out of the stuffy Sixth Form Block. Susannah had never been so thankful to see Jasper Maguire.
They’d met five years ago on their Induction day of First Year. She’d been hyperventilating in the hallway when he had materialised in front of her with a paper bag, a face full of freckles and sunset-red hair. They’d been friends ever since. The last couple of years, they’d become awkward around one another. Susannah hadn’t wanted to believe she had a crush on her best friend; the boy she could tell her deepest secrets to. The boy who had the magical ability to appear whenever she needed him. She had denied it again and again; after all, he had never shown her any interest in that way. As far as she knew, Jasper would only ever see her as a friend. That had been, of course, until their Fifth Year prom. Since then, Susannah had become even more confused and much too nervous to ask. She wasn’t Anna or Erika; she wasn’t brave when it came to boys, even ones as kind as Jasper Maguire.
They found a spot on the stone steps away from the crowds of smokers and partygoers taking a breather from the rave. Carefully, he helped her sit, passing her a bottle of water. One she knew he always kept on his person because of his diabetes. She took it gladly, sipping gently in fear of the rising nausea in her chest. Nonetheless, she felt herself beginning to calm down. It was always the way when she was in Jasper’s comforting presence. Heartbeat declining, the panic fading, Susannah could finally breathe again. And like that, Bradley Sturrock and the rave was the last thing on her mind.
She took steadying breaths of the cool September night air, the warmth of Jasper’s bare arm beside her own welcome. Licking her dry lips, she dared a glance in his direction. He was already staring back at her. Blushing, the pale skin behind his freckles darkening, Jasper lowered his head and looked away. Susannah didn’t want him to stop staring at her. She wanted his eyes upon her forever. Without thinking, she placed her hand atop his on the step between them. His head snapped up, those deep green eyes fixated upon her. Her panic may have subsided but sitting there, just a small gap between herself and Jasper Maguire, she couldn’t breathe all over again.
“Thank you,” she murmured, willing herself to focus on him; her head was swimming from the drugs and alcohol.
“You looked like you needed saving.”
Susannah scoffed at the memory. What was she thinking of attending tonight with Bradley Sturrock? She wasn’t an idiot. She knew he had wanted more than a dance, so why had she agreed? The longer she stared back into Jasper’s nervous eyes, the more she realised why she’d come with anybody at all. What she had seen in her head when she’d pictured dancing in the rave tonight in her favourite outfit; seeing him through the jostling bodies watching her. His gaze warmed her skin like the sun. She’d wanted him to be jealous. Jealous enough to act on it. To come find her. To take her in his arms – unless, she’d been wrong. Perhaps Jasper Maguire didn’t care about her that way.
“I’ve been looking for you all night,” she breathed, stunning herself with her confidence.
“Really?” Jasper’s brow furrowed, a dubious look on his face.
“Yes,” she stammered, feeling suddenly like a fool. She went to look away when Jasper squeezed her hand. “I missed you.”
“Me?”
“Yes.” She nodded slowly. “All summer.”
“All summer?”
“Is that wrong?” Susannah said, her eyes falling to their hands entwined now on the stone step.
“I thought about you too,” Jasper said. “About the last time I saw you.”
“Prom?”
“Prom.” A flicker of a smile danced across his lips as he too remembered that night all those months ago. “The colour of your dress,” he sighed. Susannah’s breath hitched. “Your perfume.”
“My perfume?” She blinked, searching his tight anxious face as he looked away. “Jasper?”
“When you said we’d talk when we got back to school, what did you mean?” He met her gaze.
“I said that?” She wished she could remember. She had remembered everything else about that night. Jasper’s hands on her hips, stroking up her back to her neck and into her hair. His lips just grazed the spot of hot skin below her ear. So why didn’t she remember this?
“Yeah – I mean, you were pretty drunk. You probably don’t remember any of that night.” His eyes darkened and his grip around her hand faltered. She clung to it tighter.
“I remember it all. It was all I could think about this summer.” She stopped herself, chewing on her bottom lip as her mind was flooded with embarrassing memories. Lying under her duvet, in her bed at home, stroking her skin as if it were Jasper’s fingers caressing her. She shivered all over again and could barely contain herself when his gaze returned to her.
“It’s been a long summer without you,” he whispered, closing the gap between them now as his hand rose to her bare shoulder. “I thought about you too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He nodded slowly, his thumb rising to her bottom lip. He hesitated. She saw the fight in his mind; torn between his own anxiety and shy nature, and his want for her. She saw it now and like a match to dry wood, it set Susannah alight.
Shuffling closer, she pressed her lip to his thumb listening to his quiet sigh of contentment. Her hands rested down on the thigh of his cut-off jeans, nails digging ever so slightly as she beseeched him. Begged him to close this gap and show her just how much he’d missed her the past twelve weeks. Was it as much as she’d missed him? Why wouldn’t he show her? He hadn’t held back at their Fifth Year prom. If she closed her eyes, she could still remember the taste of his lips. So what was stopping him?
“Jasper?”
“Susie?” he breathed unsteadily.
“How much did you miss me?” She ran her tongue along her bottom lip, daring herself to inch closer.
“You have no idea,” he blinked, his pale eyelashes barely visible in the dim of the campus field.
“Show me.”
“What?” His brows knitted together.
“Show me,” she said again, tilting her head towards him, pleading him now.
“Susie,” he said again, her name on his lips as smooth as honey. She shivered. “Susie,” he breathed, hand slipping to the back of her head, deep in her corn-coloured hair and bringing her head closer until their lips brushed. Susannah melted under his touch and just as she went to push that little further, hungry for his kiss, a commotion broke them out of their thoughts.
Pacing around the corner, out of the courtyard and toward the Sixth Form Block was a handful of teachers dressed in night robes and slippers with furious expressions on their faces. Panic rising all over again, Susannah took Jasper’s outstretched hand and two began to run across the campus field and into the gloom with several other students, all escaping the wrath of their teachers who had come to shut down the Start of Term Rave.
***
Susannah and Jasper came to a halt outside G307. The hallway was empty, though they knew it would only be a matter of minutes before it started filling up with girls returning from the rave that had no doubt been shut down. Shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, they shared small smiles as the two attempted to work out what to say. Jasper scratched at the back of his neck as she picked at some of the flakes of paint on her forearms.
Finally, he broke the ice. “Are you coming to ours for Pipe Night tomorrow night?”
“Erm,” Susannah hesitated, unable to meet his eye. She curled her finger through a strand of her hair and shrugged. “Am I invited?”
“Yeah, of course. We’re inviting all our friends,” Jasper nodded keenly. At the word friend, Susannah was crestfallen. Keeping her head low, she nodded too, desperate to be out of there already. Was that all she was? A friend?
“Friends,” she said, sucking in her lips as she turned to look at the door to G307. “Friends, alright.” She made to unlock the door with the key she’d kept in her bra when Jasper caught hold of her wrist.
“Susie? What’s wrong?”
“Friends? We’re just friends?” She searched his confused face as it furrowed with nerves.
“Aren’t we?”
“Just friends?” Susannah prompted one last time with the last of her hopes.
“I don’t know,” he stammered, his grip on her arm faltering.
“Thanks for the help with Bradley, but I’m tired so I’m going to head inside. Thanks again,” she said quickly, fumbling with the key.
As she did, the door swung open and Emily’s face appeared. Susannah felt thankful as she shot Jasper one last pinched expression before marching inside, leaving Jasper confused, looking from Emily to Susannah who made a dash for the bathroom. She didn’t want him to see her cry. She didn’t need him to think she was pathetic and desperate.
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